Return to "Risky Brizness".

[Episode opens with an extreme close up of Oz looking through a loupe. He is clearing the dust off a comic book]

Oz: Seriously...aaaaaand pew! The last speck of dust has been eradicated. That oughta keep you nice and fresh until next year's cleaning. [puts a glass dome over the comic and swoons, then skips away] Do-do-do-do..
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [offscreen] Hey, Oz!
Oz: Hm? [walks back to the comic to see F&C under the dome]
Fanboy: Wanna hang out?
Oz: AAAAAHHHHHH!! [takes them out of the dome and tosses them away] You guys! Seriously! Get away! [replaces dome and sighs]
[F&C press their faces against the dome]
Fanboy What'cha got there?
Oz: [takes F&C away from the dome and puts them on the floor] You've heard of the famous first issue Man-Arctica comic: Man-Arctica issue one?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
Oz: Well, this one's even earlier. Gentlemen, feast your eyes on... [takes the dome off the comic] Man-Arctica issue Absolute ZERO!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Wow.
Chum Chum: How come we haven't seen it before?
Oz: Because I keep it in a secure virtually impregnable vault. This jumbo box of Granny Bran cereal.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: AHH! FIBER!
Oz: That's my granny!

[The door opens]
Brizwald: Hello, Ozwald.
[Oz turns toward the door to see a figure with glowing yellow eyes. The figure steps in to reveal himself. This is Brizwald, Oz's evil cousin]
[F&C jump all over the place and reach Brizwald]
Fanboy: this the evil intruder?
Oz: Duh! You can't see how seriously evil he looks!
Chum Chum: [looks at Brizwald, then at Oz] Um, he looks just like you, Oz.
Brizwald: That is because I'm Ozwald's cousin, Brizwald.
Fanboy: Really?
Brizwald: Sincerely.
Fanboy: [looks at Oz] Hm? [looks at Brizwald] Hmm. [looks at Oz] Hm? [looks at Brizwald] Hm. [looks at Oz] Oh, now I see it, yep.
Brizwald: Oz here is just upset because I've made a sincerely successful living selling comics.
Oz: Pfft. Selling comics, anyone can do that.
Fanboy: You can't.
Oz: Stay on topic! We were discussing how the only thing Brizwald's good at selling at is out! Or, is there some other reason you'd just happen to show up on Man-Arctica Comic Cleaning Day?
Brizwald: Man-Arctica comic?! Oh-ho-ho, cousin. Are you still hanging on to that dusty, old collectible, that just so happens to be in perfectly preserved mint condition? Eh, how wonderful for you. May it bring you much enjoyment as you cherish it for years to come. Sincerely. Now, who wants my hostess gift? [presents a Cowboy Crabulous]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [gasp]
Fanboy: Wow, Cowboy Crabulous!
Brizwald: That's right, the rarest of all the Crabuli. [gives them the figure] Here you go, boys. Keep the galaxies safe from incephalopods.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Whoa. [run off laughing]

Oz: Oh, Brizwald, you might as well be wearing a +5 cloak of invisibility because I see right through you.
Brizwald: Is that any way to treat your cousin who stopped by for a friendly visit?
Oz: Oh, I SERIOUSLY doubt that's why you're here.
Brizwald: Well, it's SINCERELY is.
Brizwald: SINCERELY!
[They growl]
Fanboy: All right, you two. Let's act peaceful lock.
Oz's Mom: OZVALD! DINNER! [notices Brizwald and gasps] Brizvald, ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! [jumps into Brizwald's arms]
Brizwald: Cousin Oz's mom!
Oz: [takes her away] Don't get too comfy, Mother. He was just leaving! [tries to throw Brizwald out but fails] Wha -- Who --
Oz's Mom: Nonsense! [At Brizwald] You stay for dinner. Put some meat on those bones! [grunts]
Oz: But Ma --
Oz's Mom: No buts! [At Brizwald] Now, you and your friends vorship and join us upstairs.
[she sits in her stair chair and carries Brizwald]
Brizwald: See ya at supper, cous!
Oz: Grr!

[In the dining room...]
Oz: [mumbling]
Oz's Mom: Ozzy! Ozzy! [knocks him on the head]
Oz: Ow! Okay.
Oz's Mom: Ozvald! Don't scowl at your cousin.
Oz: [lying] Oh, my apologies. Gentlemen?
[F&C growl at Brizwald]
Oz's Mom: Brizvald, vhy aren't you eating?
Brizwald: Uh, I'm sort of uh, handcuffed to my chair?
Oz: He doesn't need his hands. His food has been pre-chewed.
[F&C place the chewed meat on Brizwald's plate]
Chum Chum: Bon Appétit.
Oz's Mom: Ozvald Harmounian, you uncuff your cousin at VONCE!
[Oz just stares]
Fanboy: I wouldn't try any funny stuff.
Chum Chum: Yeah, don't make me use this. [activates a buzz kill machine]
Brizwald: Uh, say Oz, uh, could you pass me the --
Brizwald: I was gonna say "butter infused gravy".
Brizwald: Okay, I'll just get it myself. [starts to reach for the gravy]
Oz: He's reaching for the comic! Attack!
[The boys attack Brizwald]
Oz's Mom: Ozvald Harmounian, enough! YAH! [stops the fight] Dinner is over, time for bed!
Oz: It's fine by me. Seriously. I'll just stay at my shop and keep an eye on MY MAN-ARCTICA COMIC! YEAH!
Oz's Mom: No! Brizvald is guest. He stay in shop. You stay in Mitzi's room!
Oz: MA!!!
[Mitzi mimics him]
Oz's Mom: Enough! Show Brizvald to his room.
Brizwald: Looks like I'll be spending the night after all. Couuuuussssssss.

Brizwald: [humming]
Oz: Alright, guys, listen carefully. I don't care what Brizwald says, he's not to be trusted. Since I've been banished upstairs, I need you two to shadow Brizwald. AND -- report back on these radios. [shows two headsets]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Cool! [put on headsets]
Oz: I'll be monitoring the operation from upstairs, in the Eagle's Nest.
[All salute]
Oz: [acting tired] Okay, then! I'll just be going upstairs, for I am sooooo sleepy! [pretends to yawn]
Fanboy: [pretends to yawn] Me too, Oz. Better go straight to bed.
[They stare at Chum Chum]
Chum Chum: Now, I say: "I'm tired".
[All pretend to yawn, then F&C leave]
[Oz still pretends to yawn as he goes up the stairs]
Brizwald: Hmm hmm hmm.

[Oz goes into Mitzi's control room, slams the door shut and puts on a headset while he sits down at a set of monitors]
Oz: Purple Rain, this is Eagle's Nest. Do you copy? Over.
Fanboy: [hops over to the bathroom disguised as toothpaste] I copy, Oz.
Oz: Good, the comic appears secure. Do you have a visual on the target?
Fanboy: Copy that! Target's in sight! [hops over to Brizwald]
Oz: Good. Orange Julius, what's your 20? Over.
Chum Chum: I'm right next to Brizwald! [he is disguised as a toothbrush]
Brizwald: [humming] Toothbrush... [hums and opens cabinet] Uh, hello, toothpaste? Where are you? [sees the Fanboy toothpaste] Oh, there you are. [hums and squirts Fanboy onto the Chum Chum toothbrush, then starts to brush his teeth]
Fanboy: Mayday! We're going in!
[Brizwald brushes his teeth as F&C grunt. Briefly, he stops]
Brizwald: Hm.
[Brizwald continues brushing his teeth as F&C grunt. He stops again with Fanboy drooping]
Brizwald: This is some sincerely loud toothpaste. [gurgles as Fanboy grunts, then spits]
Fanboy: Ohhh...

Oz: Fear not, issue Absolute Zero. I won't let you out of my -- [notices the comic is gone] HEY! I don't understand, something's tripped my motion detector, but not the floor's pressure sensor! How can that be?! Boys! What's going on?! Did you lose the subject?! I told you to be his shadow!
[F&C are disguised as a shadow for Brizwald]
Fanboy: Yeah, and we are!
[Brizwald yawns and scratches his butt. F&C mimic him]
Oz: Oh, good. Whew! Wait a minute, If you're his shadow, then where's his shadow? [sees Brizwald's shadow in front of the comic] AHH! [the monitors turn off] Oh-oh, oh, no! Guys! Guys, come in! Do you read me? Do you read me? I have to get down there! Mitzi! [jumps onto Mitzi] Ride like the wind!
[Mitzi tries to move, but it's hard due to Oz's weight]

Fanboy: Come in, Oz! Speak to me! [At Chum Chum] Chum Chum, we've lost communication!
Chum Chum: Fanboy, the comic!
[Brizwald's shadow grabs the comic]
Brizwald: Hmmhmm! Yes, he's got it! My plan worked perfectly!
Fanboy: Stop right there, Brizwald's shadow!
Brizwald: Shadow, look out!
[F&C chase Brizwald's shadow to the wall and try to grab the comic, but it's too high up. Brizwald's shadow attatches itself to the wall]
Fanboy: Hi-ya! [punches the wall] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Chum Chum: I got him, Fanboy! [smashes the wall with a chair] This isn't working.
Fanboy: Time for Plan B. [cracks knuckles]
[Chum Chum takes out a flashlight and turns it on. F&C makes several shadow puppets]
Fanboy: [as a bird] Just place the comic in my talons -- [gets hit] not the beak!
Chum Chum: [as a rabbit] Unhand that comic. [gets hit] Ayee!
Fanboy: [as a dog, barks, gets hit and wimpers] I'm crampin' up, Chum. He's just too good!
[Brizwald's shadow begins to deliver the comic to him]
Brizwald: Yes, yes, give it! [takes the comic] Ha ha! [evil laughter] Finally, Man-Arctica issue Absolute Zero is mine! [evil laughter]

[Oz rides down the stairs and he bounces everywhere. He jumps off of Mitzi and starts to plow into Brizwald]
Oz: [takes back the comic] Ka-pow! I have the comic! Ha, I totally foiled your sinister plot. How you like me now?
Brizwald: Hmmhmmhmmhmmhmmhmm, I hate to break it to you, but I still have one last trick up my sleeve. Or rather, in my boots. [activates jetboots and blasts off] Hahahahahaha! You haven't seen the last -- of Brizwald Harmounian! SINCEEERLYYYYY! [blasts out of sight]

Chum Chum: You know, your cousin Brizwald may be pure evil, but he's not all bad. He did give us this Cowboy Crabulous.
[He takes out the Cowboy Crabulous, whose eyes flash red]
Oz: Yeah, wonder what he was thinking.
[It's actually a camera. Brizwald can see them via watch]
Brizwald: I'll be seeing you, couuuussssssss. [laughs evily and blasts out of sight]

"Boog Zapper"
Transcripts Next:
"Kids in the Hall"
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